Q: My husband really wants us to have an open relationship, but I just don’t know. We don’t have a really great history when it comes to cheating. Okay, he doesn’t have a great history. He has cheated on my 3 times that I know of. Some people wonder why we are still together, but it is simply because I love him. I love how he makes me feel and how he is with our kids. He is a good father, he makes good money and we have a good time when we are together. But I wonder if him wanting us to have an open relationship is just his justification to cheat on me whenever he wants. When we talked about it, we talked about lots of different rules about who we could have sex with. I couldn’t help but think that more of them seemed to apply to me and not him. No having sex in our house. Well, I’m a stay-at-home mum and he’s a salesman who takes frequent trips. No having sex with people we both know. Well, we live in a small town without much of a social scene and he’s often away meeting new people at conference. Am I crazy for even considering?
A: Well, I don’t like to use the word ‘crazy’ in that way, so I will use another: foolish. Yes, you would be foolish to agree to this type of arrangement with such a selfish and self-serving individual. Your husband is a manipulative ass whom I hope you see for the fraud he is sometime soon.
But first, this matter at hand: what you are describing is an open relationship in only the most basic sense. Sure, it is open because there is the potential for each of you to have sex outside of your marriage. However, it is not a relationship, it is a manipulation. It is a justification. It is your husband’s attempt to control you while at the same time becoming newly unshackled from the marital sexual binds.
Another word for an open relationship is ethical non-monogamy. Indeed, many of these relationships are based on guidelines and criteria for hook-ups, some that are even similar to the two you mentioned. However, the difference is that those two rules you mentioned (and I’ve no doubt that there are more) are entirely constructed to ensure your husband’s home piece is pure while he is out there having fun on the road. That is not at all ethical. It is downright abusive to even suggest.
You may have guessed by now that I do not think you should attempt any kind of non-monogamous relationship with your husband. In fact, I suggest you reconsider the idea of having any relationship with this man. Sure, he’s got some good qualities, but is he a good partner to you, overall? It doesn’t sound like it. It doesn’t sound like he respects you very much.
Three times a cheat? That sounds like three strikes and he’s out.
Jon Pressick is the sex community's international gadabout and Cherry Banana's writer in residence. An award-winning sex writer and blogger, Jon is the editor of the critically-acclaimed Best Sex Writing of the Year, Volume 1. He is a frequent contributor to Cherry Banana with a range of sex-related content and his writing has appeared in numerous magazines and books, as well as all across the Internet. Jon is also a co-host and producer of the long-running sex radio show Sex City. You can keep up with his many sex-related articles here at Cherry Banana or at his own blog, Sex in Words.
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